Email of the day

Background- our friend lost his virginity, and he was bragging about it- two things that never happen. Also, he met her through a christian website.

wait. why are you facebook friends w/ austin’s secret southern god-fearing fart-smelling piss-soaking breakfast-beej-giving 12-a-day-needing inevitable-future-wife big bootied sex-freak of a girlfriend?
this corruption story has many layers - like a good bean dip.
you know how some people get sexually molested when they’re like 10, then by the time they’re 16 they turn into freaks? Well I think david probably molested austin on a weekend visit home from sterling when he was like 20 and it’s just now having its impact.
I still don’t believe these emails are from austin. the only way i’ll be convinced of this transformation is if i walk in on austin dressed in a drum major outfit with no pants conducting the world’s biggest orgy in a room that smells like farts and old bibles.
Did anyone see austin last night? how did he look in his new porn stache? Does he have a tattoo of a spider on his neck now?