Email of the day

Background- our friend lost his virginity, and he was bragging about it- two things that never happen. Also, he met her through a christian website.

wait. why are you facebook friends w/ austin’s secret southern god-fearing fart-smelling piss-soaking breakfast-beej-giving 12-a-day-needing inevitable-future-wife big bootied sex-freak of a girlfriend?
this corruption story has many layers - like a good bean dip.
you know how some people get sexually molested when they’re like 10, then by the time they’re 16 they turn into freaks? Well I think david probably molested austin on a weekend visit home from sterling when he was like 20 and it’s just now having its impact.
I still don’t believe these emails are from austin. the only way i’ll be convinced of this transformation is if i walk in on austin dressed in a drum major outfit with no pants conducting the world’s biggest orgy in a room that smells like farts and old bibles.
Did anyone see austin last night? how did he look in his new porn stache? Does he have a tattoo of a spider on his neck now?

I guess I am the resident divorced guy who people come to when they need advice

Yep, apparently when people decide they are done with their marriage, they come my way, asking advice.  That’s 6 couples thus far.

I don’t even know what to say about this.  I feel a little like the grim reaper of marriages.

Well…

indefensible:

I guess it’s because you’re a pointless contrarian. Your addition to debate is generally nothing more than “that’s not true, here’s an unrelated anecdote, I spoke to someone at a party once who works in a vaguely related field.”

You’re like a streaker in a football match. You’re not interested in playing for either team, you just want people to look at you for 90 seconds. Which they do, but mostly to laugh at you, and your actions have no bearing on the outcome of the game.

Well.

If this doesn’t sound like me, I don’t know what does.

GRRRRRR

SUPER PISSED that the professor changed the financial statements at the last minute for our exam, and didn’t tell anyone, resulting in 6 hours of studying down the drain.

Irony?

So, last night my group had our presentation regarding the feasibility of creating a designated driver for hire business designed to get you and your car home after getting intoxicated in downtown Denver. We aced the presentation and sparked a lot of interest. We found that a lot of folks drove because they were worried about leaving their vehicles overnight.
afterwards, we went out for intoxicating times of our own. This morning, a teammate went to pick up her car and guess what?
Someone hit and ran her brand new truck last night.
Ridiculous.

Yo dawg, I HATE readin books, but you can buy mine. Fo realz.

indefensible:

timestolen:

“It’s complicated” is a statement I hate more than any other one.

It either precedes or follows complete and utter bullshit excuses and, more often than not, lies.

Ideas can be complicated.

IKEA instructions can be complicated.

The truth is rarely complicated.

True.

I’ve found that when people say ‘It’s complicated’, they mean that telling the truth will complicate things for them.

Yeah, my situation is “complicated”

I mean, WHO FUCKING BRAGS ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DIVORCED, HAVE A 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM ANOTHER WOMAN AND ARE 32 YEAR OLD GUY WHO IS HITTING ON A 23 YR OLD GIRL?@?!?!

I may STILL be drunk, and it’s almost 10 AM.

halfbakedidea:

denvermbaguy:

Also, will someone please tell me what’s up with my teammate freaking out on me because I was talking to a girl on the phone?

WE ARE NOT DATING, DO NOT FREAK OUT ON ME

Dude….I feel your pain.  Was I your teammate?  What HAPPENED last night?

I am not sure, but for some reason, someone’s sock (NOT MINE) is in my pocket.

WHAT THE HELL!?

I may STILL be drunk, and it’s almost 10 AM.

Also, will someone please tell me what’s up with my teammate freaking out on me because I was talking to a girl on the phone?

WE ARE NOT DATING, DO NOT FREAK OUT ON ME

email of the day!

friend: I bet Mark would fingerbang a corpse…
me: If there is real rotten cooze to be had, I’m there like grandpa at the Country Kitchen buffet.

Project Presentation

So, I’ve been working diligently with my team on a community project for the last month or so.  Tonight is the presentation, where “similar to a trade show”, we set up a booth and show what we’ve been working on.

Sounds nice right?  EXCEPT the fact that it is A SCHOOL PROJECT!! It’s a freaking SCIENCE FAIR, NOT A TRADE SHOW.

Being an industrious student, I found out that University of Denver is NOT a dry campus.  Guess who will have beers in his booth?  Oh, and guess what else I am going to have?  A working paper mache volcano.  I’m not kidding.  We will have a fucking volcano that spews beer.  I will take pics.